my porch.

I am not one of those girls whose life looks like something out of a magazine or HGTV. Until I moved out on my own, my room was covered in piles of clothes/books/hangers/shoes/probably food. So it's just been recently that I have become mindful of my surroundings and understand that it's alright to spend time making the place I live the place I love.

[some background on that concept: my mother has longed for a old house she can remodel and just simply fall in love with. a few years back i found this ad in a magazine that said "make the place you live, the place you love." of course it was an ad for sherwin williams or bedding from martha stewart. But none the less, I took it to heart and knew that mom would appreciate it. I took it out and framed it, nothing fancy. Just something to keep as a reminder. For her birthday this year I made a painting with the saying on there. She loved it. I love making her happy. That's so sappy. But I love my momma. Oh, and to end this on a cute note, mom is finally about to close on her cute little old house that she can fall in love with. I'm so proud of that woman. [i know you're reading this, momma.keep your head up. you will own that house soon!]

Gracious, that was quite a rabbit I chased there. My apologies. 

However, all of that is to say, on this night I have found myself enjoying a cool night on my porch. Bloggin' it up. I have been blessed to be living in the house that I am. I was given the task of painting my house a few months ago. [yes, months] The outside of my house. I gladly took the job on because I just love to paint! .....Not so much anymore. I finally finished! I don't have pictures uploaded just yet. I will get that to you soon. With the painting done, I spent yesterday cleaning off the porches and drive way. It's so satisfying to see the end result. Tomorrow I plan on mowing the yard and getting the fire pit ready.

Oh, how I love fire pit season. I'm in a significantly better mood when it's fire pit season than any other time of the year. I'm smiling now just thinking about it!

So here's to fire pits, football season [hello, arkansas razorbacks], 

citronella candles and good paint jobs.

uncomfortably honest.

i spent time with my Dad this morning for the first time in months.

i can talk the talk all day and night. i can say exactly what someone needs to hear. and say it in a way that makes me sound so "spiritual" [not religious] and so much closer to God than you. I can use all the trendy Christian lingo. Almost like I went to a private Christian college. I can make my prayers sound so very holy and so in tune with the Holy Spirit. I will tell you I'm reading crazylove AND forgotten God, and how much God is saying to me through those books.

after a while, i learned how to sound like i wake up every morning at 5 am and read the entire Bible while praying for every lost soul in every third world country.

well that's annoying and fake. and since i was born, my momma taught me not to be annoying or fake. and Jesus didn't exactly die for me so I could be fake.

So the truth comes out. I haven't spent time with God in months. I'd say a good 5 months. [a horrible 5 months, really] If I've prayed it wasn't from the heart as much as it was fear of someone somehow finding out I didn't pray for them when I said I would. And I question why I've felt so disconnected....ridiculous.

But this morning was different. I woke up and realized how precious today was. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Psalm 143: 8. Nothing has changed in my circumstances, but the morning brought me word of His unfailing love. I've been mad at God for not taking me out of this big ol' pit I've put myself in. I've been mad He hasn't come through for me or given me what I wanted. [And what I wanted was an easy life to fall into my lap as I sit on my porch swing, drink coffee and listen to Phil Wickham...aka: I do nothing and He does everything.] Well that clearly isn't working out for me. And as many blog posts as I've written about God being good, faithful and real....

I wasn't any of that.

and this morning i guess I realized I'm going to die one day and I won't get to redo the ugly days that I wasted most of the day sleeping. I'll have to try to look at my Father and explain why I wasted His gifts sleeping and being fake. [and i'm embarrassed to tell my roommate I slept until 2pm some days] I don't want to have to do that. I want to walk up to my Savior and know that I've made Him proud. I don't know why I spent so long being mad at Him. It's not like He was the one changing out of the two of us. 

I feel like God has been standing right in front of me and I'm squeezing my eyes so tight screaming "I'm not looking at you! You aren't fixing this! You did this to me!!" When in reality, He's standing there with His arms wide open, waiting for me to open my eyes so He can say "Will you come here already? You're forgiven and loved. Precious and lovely. Will you let me hold you? We will do this together. I love you. I love you. I love you."

So here's so to being good, faithful and real. And I'm asking [begging] you to keep me accountable. I don't care if I don't know you well, or at all, Ask me how I'm doing, really. Or what I've read and what God said through it. 

three cheers for honesty! 

hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray!

consistency.

i'm sitting at sweet momma's house back in Russellville watching my DVR'd episodes of Drop Dead Diva. i seriously love that show. ["why don't you marry it?!" I think I will...thank you very much.] i don't have cable at my house, so i get excited when i come to momma's and get to watch triple D. Lifetime always comes through for me.

i'm at momma's yet again looking for more than some television entertainment. this time i'm looking for consistency. i've come to realize that in the last 6 months the only consistent thing in my life in Fayetteville is the house i live in. and i'm still struggling to feel like it's my house.

so i find myself being drawn to what has been consistent in my life. that is Russellville, sweet momma, our home, Tech [it's move-in day. what memories of my move-in days], dear friends, and the christmas tree that has been standing strong in momma's living room since last christmas. [how's that for consistent]

even though i'm longing for a bit of consistency, the last week has been one full of memories that will carry my inconsistent self a long way.

[this is shane. isn't he handsome? no, really. it's him]

last saturday i attended a friend's going away party. my dear friend, shane, left this past wednesday to go to the big SK [that's cool speak for south korea] for a year. what a brave man. i admire so much about him as it is, but to add his almost reckless attempt to do something he has wanted for almost 2 years. i am so proud of you, shane, and so blessed by your friendship. i haven't cried over his absence. that's a huge deal. i cried at that cell phone commercial where the football player finds a missing dog and returns it to just the cutest little girl ever. to say i'm emotional would be the world's greatest understatement. but i like to think my over emotional self makes up for those who seem to have lost all emotion. i'm helping the world out, really.

Watch the commercial and tell me you don't cry!!

after the party a few of us didn't want the night to end quite yet, so we drove out to a friend's family's farm. we drove a beat up old truck to the middle of a pasture sans cows. [sans = without. i just googled it. don't overestimate my vocabulary. i just wanted to make this blog have a little class] we took some blankets and laid out there all night. i'm serious, we slept in a pasture. i saw a few rear ends. [boys, of course] and shared memories with them that will always be with me. it was a good parting gift for shane. and just a big fat gift of goodness for the rest of us.

i would like to share how a bird ended up flying free in my house this week. but i feel that deserves it's own post entirely. i'll take care of that tomorrow....so until then anticipation might have to suffice.

well there's that.

There are a few things I need to get out of my head before I can sleep tonight. For some reason today has been mentally taxing. And...go:

1. I was good at being in college.

My sweet friend, Bekah, said that in conversation last night and it resonated in my soul. I have been trying to articulate how exactly I feel now that I am no longer a college student. A college graduate, I am. So weird. But I haven't been able to really put it in the simplest terms. [I'm long winded, I know] But man, I was good at college. I was great at staying up late and getting donuts at 3 a.m., living with best friends, going to the caf and eating mediocre food, at walking to class and saying hi to everyone, at being on time for class and occasionally having my homework. I was a good college student. It was my element. My comfort zone.

I'm not in college anymore.

2. Making friends is HARD.

 I'm experiencing this wonderful season in life right now. This season is called: elizabethisterribleatmakingfriendsinfayetteville.

I get that I don't come across as someone who has a hard time meeting new people. And I don't, usually. But I feel so out of place in Fayetteville most days. And when a girl isn't on her home turf...it's a whole new ballgame. I conveniently turn into this awkward homebody who bakes a lot, instead of the girl who faces the world head on and as I shake your hand and introduce myself I tell you some interesting fact about myself like "I was born at home!" or "I have a freckle on my lip! See!"

3. I wish most boys weren't scared of girls.

[this is a general statement]  

Boys are scared of girls when we cry, talk about emotions, want to "have a  "D.T.R" [define the relationship. which girls so often desire, while boys are completely content in the ambiguous relationship], try to talk about serious situations [whether it's about the boy or not]...or even if a girl so much as looks at him.

I don't like that at all. It makes us girls feel like we are "too much." And I refuse to believe that I am too much. I was told that once by an ex-boyfriend as he broke up with me. I occasionally think of that and still want to kick him in the goober.

When a girl wants to have a friendship with a boy, it's not laced with wedding plans.

Sometimes the girl just wants to have a guy care about her appropriately, as a friend...the way she cares for him. And on occasion, that will turn into romantic interest for the two of them. [ENTER: ambiguous relationship] Nothing needs clarification. Things just are. And can be that way for while. Until the girl gets tired of not talking to the boy all day and then receiving the "Goodnight :)" text at crazy hours of the night. No, sir. Ladies do not appreciate that, fellas. If we are important to you, let us know up front. I can speak for the girls I know, and say this: we aren't crazy. We aren't picking out our wedding colors just because we spent an hour on the phone with you. I think it's safe to say we have matured enough to stop rating our compatibility on how long we talk on the phone or how many times you ":)" in a text. Be real with us. Be a man.

[I'm going to stop myself. I am feeling a tad high school-ish for saying all that I have. But I know it's still true today, as 20 somethings, and possibly as 30 somethings. And I could go on forever about boys. boys. boys. But I also believe that I know some of the finest men this world has to offer. Friends who mow my yard, eat my cooking and enjoy my company almost as much as I enjoy theirs]

Girls are not too much. Girls are not crazy. Girls are not boys.

And all of that is okay.

I told you I was long winded....

girls just wanna have fun.

i love having fun.

in the simplest form of that statement. i just love having fun. i like being around people who are fun. i want my life to be fun. and it's safe to say, so far, my 23 years on earth have been pretty fun. and a girl just wants to have fun. [you know i had to reference that song]

don't get be wrong. i don't want anyone to misinterpret my idea of fun. i feel like there might be this irresponsible/immature connotation to the word "fun." that's not the fun i'm talking about. i'm talking about all that comes with fun. even the hard stuff.

when i say fun...i think of family reunions, getting in food fights, making dinner for friends, crying with my mom, talking my dog for walks, getting lost with friends, going fishing, losing a job, writing letters to friends, painting my house, feeling so far away from friends, watching mediocre movies in theaters that smell like hot dogs, throwing plates off the side of a mountain, sitting in a hospital waiting room for 10 hours, and teaching a boy how to cook so he'll teach me how to change my oil.

that's fun to me. that's life to me. i would love to laugh more than i cry. but i also realize i cry when i laugh...almost every time.

i started thinking about this whole "fun" thing tonight when i was doing a little blog reading and stumbled across this wonderful woman and her husband who have been married for 5 years...and they have fun. i mean...a lot of fun.[today's letters. check it out, seriously] i love that. i started thinking about how i want my marriage to be. i want it to be fun. i know it's naive of me to think every day is going to end with a food fight at dinner and a pillow fight before bed. i know i will want to punch him in the face a few times. [whoever "him" is...he'll be a good man] but i want to have fun with him.

i started a journal to him when i was in high school. a journal to my future husband. i think all girls should do that. i've enjoyed it so much. i know he will too. i fight back feeling a little embarrassed when thinking about what he'll think when he reads how "fun" i was in high school. oh gracious. i was so awkward. but hey, when i give it to him on our wedding day...we'll be done hitched! and he'll be with me forever.

man oh man...what a day that will be.