Thursday, August 26, 2010

uncomfortably honest.

i spent time with my Dad this morning for the first time in months.

i can talk the talk all day and night. i can say exactly what someone needs to hear. and say it in a way that makes me sound so "spiritual" [not religious] and so much closer to God than you. I can use all the trendy Christian lingo. Almost like I went to a private Christian college. I can make my prayers sound so very holy and so in tune with the Holy Spirit. I will tell you I'm reading crazylove AND forgotten God, and how much God is saying to me through those books.

after a while, i learned how to sound like i wake up every morning at 5 am and read the entire Bible while praying for every lost soul in every third world country.

well that's annoying and fake. and since i was born, my momma taught me not to be annoying or fake. and Jesus didn't exactly die for me so I could be fake.

So the truth comes out. I haven't spent time with God in months. I'd say a good 5 months. [a horrible 5 months, really] If I've prayed it wasn't from the heart as much as it was fear of someone somehow finding out I didn't pray for them when I said I would. And I question why I've felt so disconnected....ridiculous.

But this morning was different. I woke up and realized how precious today was. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Psalm 143: 8. Nothing has changed in my circumstances, but the morning brought me word of His unfailing love. I've been mad at God for not taking me out of this big ol' pit I've put myself in. I've been mad He hasn't come through for me or given me what I wanted. [And what I wanted was an easy life to fall into my lap as I sit on my porch swing, drink coffee and listen to Phil Wickham...aka: I do nothing and He does everything.] Well that clearly isn't working out for me. And as many blog posts as I've written about God being good, faithful and real....

I wasn't any of that.

and this morning i guess I realized I'm going to die one day and I won't get to redo the ugly days that I wasted most of the day sleeping. I'll have to try to look at my Father and explain why I wasted His gifts sleeping and being fake. [and i'm embarrassed to tell my roommate I slept until 2pm some days] I don't want to have to do that. I want to walk up to my Savior and know that I've made Him proud. I don't know why I spent so long being mad at Him. It's not like He was the one changing out of the two of us. 

I feel like God has been standing right in front of me and I'm squeezing my eyes so tight screaming "I'm not looking at you! You aren't fixing this! You did this to me!!" When in reality, He's standing there with His arms wide open, waiting for me to open my eyes so He can say "Will you come here already? You're forgiven and loved. Precious and lovely. Will you let me hold you? We will do this together. I love you. I love you. I love you."

So here's so to being good, faithful and real. And I'm asking [begging] you to keep me accountable. I don't care if I don't know you well, or at all, Ask me how I'm doing, really. Or what I've read and what God said through it. 

three cheers for honesty! 
hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray!

1 comment:

  1. I had today off from teaching, but was required to be here in my office. I'm glad I spent my time reading your blog, and i'm even more glad you decided to write it down. Well said, do your thing.